Lockdown Lethargy

So far I have experienced this lockdown in distinct emotional stages. There was the initial stage, when we went so suddenly from 'social distancing' to full lockdown, which was stressful and anxious but at the same time novel and, in a morbid kind of way, exciting. Then there were a few days in which I found myself actively enjoying lockdown, on a domestic level, counting all the positives it had brought my small family, forcing us to develop routines and habits to keep us all happy and healthy, and forcing me to slow down a bit. Then there came a couple of weeks in which, as I discussed in my last blog post, lockdown started to feel normal, days and weeks speeding by. 

Right now, lockdown time has slowed down again.

As will probably surprise exactly no one, I am a busy person. One reason why it took a global pandemic to force me to slow down is because I like having lots to do, having places to be, deadlines to meet. Maternity leave was a shock to my system in this respect, but I just replaced work responsibilities with going to baby groups. I used to say that I'd have been quite happy staying home all day with the baby, but that she liked the socialisation. I now realise I was lying outrageously to myself. She's happy as a pig in mud playing all day at home. The baby groups, the swimming, the Book Bugs sessions, the music, were really for me.

But! I hear you say. There's no reason why you can't be busy in lockdown. There are virtual baby groups, you can have coffees via Zoom, you can write blogs, learn the violin, crochet a baby hat... all of which I've tried over the past few weeks, and they do fill the time. But over the past few days I've found that both my motivation to do these things, and the pleasure I take in doing them, has bottomed out entirely. My get-up-and-go, which in the pre-lockdown past has enabled me to juggle organising events, writing articles, rowing training, and seeing friends, has wandered off, yawning, when faced with the single ball of staying occupied during lockdown. I am experiencing Lockdown Lethargy. 

 I feel too lethargic to dream up a caption to justify this illustration of our locked-down play area...

 
The way my husband - who is also experiencing this stage - describes it, Lockdown Lethargy makes everything 'just okay'. A nice glass of wine? It's okay. Hobbies that used to delight? They're okay. Research topics that used to inspire excitement? Just okay. Of course, 'just okay' is a lot better than 'really crap', and better than what many people are experiencing right now, but it's still draining living inside what feels like a photograph with most of the colour taken out of it. More seriously, 'just okay' feels like a milder version of a familiar-to-me symptom of depression, in which the illness sucks joy from any activity to which you'd normally turn to lift your mood.

So I have decided there are two things to do to tackle this. One I am doing right now, in actually writing a blog post rather than just sleepily thinking about it. A few weeks ago I was right, I think, to take this newly-discovered time to slow down, but now I need to actively speed up before I come to a full stop. Basically, in terms of doing stuff and enjoying it, I'm going to try faking it until I make it, because this isn't depression (yet), this is just Lockdown Lethargy, and pulling my socks up to get out of it is a very okay response.

The other thing is to remind myself that, just as the previous personal phases of lockdown have passed, so too shall this - and wait and see what the next emotional stage of lockdown brings for me.